Cosmopolitan Magazine is the best thing ever:
So I was shopping today, standing at the checkout... Reading all the magazine covers. Fun stuff, that was. (Rosie O'Donnel MARRIED! The losers from the Bachelor are SPLIT UP! Jennifer Maxwell needs A LIFE!)

Anyway, I see the new issue of Cosmo, and being the "Fun. Fearless. Female." that I am, I picked it up.

It had nothing to do with catchy cover stories like: "skank alert" or "very fun things to do after sex" I swear. Or the fact that I adored the shirt that Julia Stiles is wearing. I WANT ONE. NOW.

I get home and throw it on my bed.
Because that's where magazines with ads containing people standing in their underwear go.

About six hours later, when I'm sitting in my chair talking to people on MSN, I pick it up. We all know that reading a magazine while trying to keep up on a conversation is a very polite thing to do.
After 30 pages of ads, we get to the first page of actual writing. What a great magazine.

First article: "The male brain explained." What an informative article it was, too. I learned that guys have hearts, heads, and sex drive. Too bad the word brain wasn't in anything other than the title. Women learn something new everyday...

Then they try to teach us Fun. Fearless. Females. more new tricks,
Cosmo commandments for March:
10 bad ways to get over a guy:
1. {something only stupid chicks would do}
2. something about self-pity. What the fuck is that?
3. Purchase a devil. (cat)
4-10 omitted because I don't like to waste time typing out boring shit that I didn't write.
I'm sure without cosmo, sad girls would run around being stupid and buying cats. Thank you for making it clear to all of us what we should not be doing when a guy dumps us. (probably because we read some stupid magazine for relationship tips)

Wait! Do I see a redeeming and original article idea? / end sarcasm.
Ask cosmo anything:
"I have a serious problem! I can't seem to orgasm without thinking of a dirty old man touching me. I never date older guys, but I fantasize about them all the time, even when I'm with my young, very hot boyfriend. Please help me!"
some cosmo writer says: Blah blah blah. You're really cool and pretty and smart and a Fun. Fearless. Female. I can tell by your letter.
what I say: Go stand on a corner in your city, wait until some old bum asks you for spare change. Then tell him no, but you'll gladly give him a cum bath in your backseat. Have fun with your dirty old man, and give me your "young, hot boyfriend's" phone number.

Cosmopolitan also thinks that every girl in the world cares about celebrity clothing/makeup/boob jobs/collagen injections.
Some news from the Cosmo Informers:
1. The Olsen twins aren't identical twins, they're fraternal.
I'm sure that females really care. They're rich. They're pretty. They're almost old enough to pose for playboy. That's all that matters.

2. Cosmo thinks that Ryan Crapfest is the new Carson Daly.
WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY ON?

3. Brittany Spears needs more clothes, and less makeup.
Well put.

4. Pamela Anderson got lip collagen.
And listen to the great joke they came up with:
"How can her lips be fake when the rest of her is so real?"
HAH. Very. Funny.


Cosmo asks: Is he a player?
"Think your man is sneaking around? Look at this list because we know everything about guys."
1. If he does something nice like let his cell phone go to voice mail when you're alone at a restaurant and he's trying to pay attention to you, he's obviously hiding the fact that he has 900 other girlfriends. Guys that want to be polite are obviously cheating.
2. If he only wants to hump at your place, he's married, because we know that all guys keep their house in tip-top condition and there's no reason he couldn't take you back to his house for a scronkin'. We know that there's no stashes of porn laying on his bedroom floor that you could accidentally find when you're trying to get hot and heavy. Guys that don't like to take you to their super clean homes are obviously cheating.
3. If you don't talk to him for more than 48 hours, he's got other chicks rocking his socks right now. The only solution to this is to call 900 times a day, just because we all know that calling and talking to guys about nothing is not annoying at all. They love to hear from you every five minutes. If you can't talk to you guy in two days, he's obviously cheating.
4. If he doesn't check his email with you around, he's hiding something. It couldn't be all the porn sites he subscribes to that he doesn't want you to see. But you don't have to show him your email because you have secret frilly girlie things that no guy needs to see. If he can't show you his email he's obviously cheating.
5. If you have a "hunch" he's obviously cheating.

There ya have it folks, Cosmo knows everything.
I have a new favorite magazine.

(AutoTrader)

FUCK FUCK FUCK:
Okay maybe not... but you get the point right?

Today was... umm purrrrrfect. Yeah, that's it.
ofgm! Canada rocks my socks.
To the limit.

11. Reasons. Why. I. Like. Canada. More than {insert your country here}:

10. HAHA! See, the title was #11. This is another wasted number too!
WOW I'M COOL.

9. It's got hot guys. And pretty hot/nice chicks. But there's lots of hot guys.

8. Snow makes me wet. NO WAIT. Not like that... melted snow+jenn's pant cuffs=soggy mess. But it's cool to kick around in snow. And it's sparkly-purdy.

7. Better pizza. Mikie's has the bestest Greek pizza in the world. IN THE WORLD, MAN!
Like totally.

6. Mommy can give me more money this way.
Actually, I just plan on eating lots of Greek pizza, getting fat and faking a disability, and I'll sit and do nothing while the Canadian government sends me fat cheques in the mail.

5. Legal drinking age in Alberta= 18.
Nuff' said.

4. Hot guys.

3. Buttons.
For hot guys.

2. My mom. HI MOM!

1. Me. Because, face it people, I'm what makes Canada a great state.

Note to blog:

I know I have been neglecting you, dear blog. I am aware that there has been many a night where you sit cold and hungry while your owner bashes her head against the wall for lack of something good to say. I know that it really disappoints you when all of your blog friends come over to your house and all the new stuff you have to show them is content ripped off from some website, or an update consisting of an overused joke. It's like wearing old clothes, dear blog... and that, I swear your master will not tolerate anymore. I promise.

And no, I am not crossing my fingers this time.

Don't give me that look you shithead beautiful blog site. I know you understand that deep down I hate everything you stand for and what the internet whores have turned you into, that's why whenever possible, I try not to bore you by writing about my day all over you. That's why I spend so much time with you sister, the instant message, because really... She's the cooler one of the internet family.

Not that I don't love you or anything. You have become someone that always listens to the vamped randomness that is me, and shares it with 10 others so that they also can become my sheep. I love you for that, dear blog. But you know all about me, the fact that really... in between doing nothing, sleeping and playing with your sister... I just don't have time for you. But I make time, because sometimes you make me excited. No, not like that. You sicko blog.

Even though you are nothing on the vastness that is the internet, I still adore you for what you are...Which is nothing. You are a place that was made for me to be cool and act all tough and nice and fun and sweet, when really I am none of those things. I mean, come on... I know HTML. My friends make fun of me at parties. It's your fault, you're addicting. And secretly I kind of find it interesting. But anyway, I promise that from now on, we will continue with our regularly scheduled program.. The Jenn show. And I promise the same randomness I have become known for.

By that I mean, I promise to fill you with a whole lot of nothing again. More often than usual. Only when I'm not sleeping or eating or drinking or sleeping or playing with your sister.

See ya tomorrow,
Jenn

This amused me for 5 minutes:

Googlism Type in your name and it will tell you what google "thinks of you."

jennifer
jennifer is missing
jennifer is a missing solution
jennifer is a dork
jennifer is good
jennifer is dead
jennifer is currenty #1 most viewed profile
jennifer is
jennifer is beautiful
jennifer is getting
jennifer is a petite asian hottie
jennifer is getting bike riding lessons
jennifer is christened
jennifer is grateful to disraeli
jennifer is poting tol papr on the chey
jennifer is oregon's most famous
jennifer is beautiful but you might consider eating a steak
jennifer is a comic like
jennifer issue # 1 by ken knudtsen jennifer is an insane chimpanzee full of pent
jennifer is threatened by a hungry wild rooster
jennifer is currently nominated for her second grammy in february 2003
jennifer is a triple threat
AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE: jennifer is right
Google knows everything.

I <3 this joke:

The meaning of words used by women:

FINE - This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right, and you need to shut up. Never use 'fine' to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguents.

FIVE MINUTES - This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that you're football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so its an even trade.

NOTHING - This means 'something' and you should be on you're toes. 'Nothing' is usually used to describe the feeling woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. 'Nothing' usually signifies an argument that will last 'five minutes' and end with 'fine'.

GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows) - This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over 'nothing' and will end with the word 'fine'.

GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows) - This means 'I give up' or 'do what you want because I don't care'. You will get a 'raised eyebrow go ahead', followed by 'nothing' and 'fine' and she will talk to you in about 'five minutes' when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH - This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A 'loud sigh' means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over 'nothing'.

SOFT SIGH - Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. 'Soft sighs' mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OK - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to man. 'Thts ok' means she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. 'Thts ok' is often used with the word 'fine' and in conjunction with 'raised eyebrow'.

OH REALLY? - At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO - This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have to done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a 'that's ok'.

THANKS - A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT - This is much different from 'thanks'. A woman will say 'thanks a lot' when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the 'loud sigh'. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the 'loud sigh', as she will only tell you 'nothing'.

WTF WTF WTF! WHAT THE MOTHERFUCKING FUCK?

So so. Last night=don't go there gurlfriend! But I felt grrrreat this morning/when I woke up (3:30pm this afternoon.)

I got up, put pants on, signed into MSN, and checked muh' email. Good times. Good times.

Then I went and checked out all the sites that link me. Everything was fine until I got to Jbanks.
I was looking at his referrer list, because I'm cool, and I saw some Yahoo search results. Me, knowing that search results are sometimes good for a laugh, decided to look into it further. It appears that people actually search for "xxx-centric." You'd think I would be happy right?

Fuck you all.

Yahoo search.
MSN search.

Yahoo search has not 9 (like MSN) results for the words XXX-CENTRIC, but 922.

I'm not number one... Oh no... That's Mr. Jbanks.

I'm not on the first page even.
Or the second, third, fourth, tenth, twenty first.

I'm not listed AT ALL.
I would like to take the time to thank all search engines for sending hits to every site that linked me. It's nice to see someone benefit from the words XXX-CENTRIC. Even if it is in my fucking URL.

Damn you Yahoo, and all you like it. Please die.

In other news:
While looking at search results, I found out that two linkdumps have me listed for some reason that I do not know.
Bite My Blog
I don't get this one... it's kinda strange that I'm on here. But whoever keeps submitting this site for me, I guess you can keep doing it without my knowledge. I don't mind the two extra hits that this virtually unknown linkdump sends me a month.
Bravenet
This one sends me decent traffic. Even though I have no freakin idea where the hell they got my site from. I don't remember submitting it to ANY linkdump. But this one is kinda cool. I get stars. You can rate me. GO GIVE ME STARS. (even though I don't know what they do...)

Royal pain
ten things that piss me off.

10. Stoners that spend the whole time getting high when they're at a party.

9. Stepmoms that only want sex and money. So I guess females in general.

8. Sleeping all the freakin' time.

7. Cats. They make me sneeze. BAD BAD BAD

6. When I have nothing to post about. Pretty much all the time.

5. Myself.

4. Anything that is still mooing. It should shut the hell up and fucking get on my plate.

3. Humans.

2. Martians.

1. Tracy.

Tracy is a dumbass. Dumbass fucking slut. Dumbass fucking slut for brains. Dumbass fucking slut for brains whore crack bitch.
So is kyle. "she fuckin' hates me" YES. I hate you. Shoo fly don't bother me. oh no. oh no.
My socks are wet. Beacuse of Tracy. That idiot. That idiot skank. That idiot skank {something really mean. I can't think of anymore}. She should learn to keep the water in the bathtub when she's playing with her rubber ducky.

Today I had a chicken Caesar. O M F G was it good. I know. Monumental event in the life of Jennifer. Applaud me people.

TODAY'S FRIDAY AGAIN! Man it seems like just yesterday I was drinking in diapers.....

Wait. That was yesterday.


Everyone is going out tonight and you're going to come home and tell me all about it right here. I want to hear some drunken stories people! COMMENT! COMMENT!

OR DON'T BOTHER BECAUSE YOU SUCK!
'ya hurd?'

I swear I'm not posting again untill I get at least 10 stories.
No cheating. If you don't want me to ever update again, but have a really good story you still have to post it. It's the law. I'm watching you.

Ok. I'll tell you one of mine.
One time I ate pizza. It was great.

Ok. One of Tracy's.
OOO! This new year's Tracy puked on her boyfriend. On purpose.

TWICE.
Good times... good times...
OKAY! POST STORIES FOR ME! PUHWEESE?