Cosmopolitan Magazine is the best thing ever:
So I was shopping today, standing at the checkout... Reading all the magazine covers. Fun stuff, that was. (Rosie O'Donnel MARRIED! The losers from the Bachelor are SPLIT UP! Jennifer Maxwell needs A LIFE!)

Anyway, I see the new issue of Cosmo, and being the "Fun. Fearless. Female." that I am, I picked it up.

It had nothing to do with catchy cover stories like: "skank alert" or "very fun things to do after sex" I swear. Or the fact that I adored the shirt that Julia Stiles is wearing. I WANT ONE. NOW.

I get home and throw it on my bed.
Because that's where magazines with ads containing people standing in their underwear go.

About six hours later, when I'm sitting in my chair talking to people on MSN, I pick it up. We all know that reading a magazine while trying to keep up on a conversation is a very polite thing to do.
After 30 pages of ads, we get to the first page of actual writing. What a great magazine.

First article: "The male brain explained." What an informative article it was, too. I learned that guys have hearts, heads, and sex drive. Too bad the word brain wasn't in anything other than the title. Women learn something new everyday...

Then they try to teach us Fun. Fearless. Females. more new tricks,
Cosmo commandments for March:
10 bad ways to get over a guy:
1. {something only stupid chicks would do}
2. something about self-pity. What the fuck is that?
3. Purchase a devil. (cat)
4-10 omitted because I don't like to waste time typing out boring shit that I didn't write.
I'm sure without cosmo, sad girls would run around being stupid and buying cats. Thank you for making it clear to all of us what we should not be doing when a guy dumps us. (probably because we read some stupid magazine for relationship tips)

Wait! Do I see a redeeming and original article idea? / end sarcasm.
Ask cosmo anything:
"I have a serious problem! I can't seem to orgasm without thinking of a dirty old man touching me. I never date older guys, but I fantasize about them all the time, even when I'm with my young, very hot boyfriend. Please help me!"
some cosmo writer says: Blah blah blah. You're really cool and pretty and smart and a Fun. Fearless. Female. I can tell by your letter.
what I say: Go stand on a corner in your city, wait until some old bum asks you for spare change. Then tell him no, but you'll gladly give him a cum bath in your backseat. Have fun with your dirty old man, and give me your "young, hot boyfriend's" phone number.

Cosmopolitan also thinks that every girl in the world cares about celebrity clothing/makeup/boob jobs/collagen injections.
Some news from the Cosmo Informers:
1. The Olsen twins aren't identical twins, they're fraternal.
I'm sure that females really care. They're rich. They're pretty. They're almost old enough to pose for playboy. That's all that matters.

2. Cosmo thinks that Ryan Crapfest is the new Carson Daly.
WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY ON?

3. Brittany Spears needs more clothes, and less makeup.
Well put.

4. Pamela Anderson got lip collagen.
And listen to the great joke they came up with:
"How can her lips be fake when the rest of her is so real?"
HAH. Very. Funny.


Cosmo asks: Is he a player?
"Think your man is sneaking around? Look at this list because we know everything about guys."
1. If he does something nice like let his cell phone go to voice mail when you're alone at a restaurant and he's trying to pay attention to you, he's obviously hiding the fact that he has 900 other girlfriends. Guys that want to be polite are obviously cheating.
2. If he only wants to hump at your place, he's married, because we know that all guys keep their house in tip-top condition and there's no reason he couldn't take you back to his house for a scronkin'. We know that there's no stashes of porn laying on his bedroom floor that you could accidentally find when you're trying to get hot and heavy. Guys that don't like to take you to their super clean homes are obviously cheating.
3. If you don't talk to him for more than 48 hours, he's got other chicks rocking his socks right now. The only solution to this is to call 900 times a day, just because we all know that calling and talking to guys about nothing is not annoying at all. They love to hear from you every five minutes. If you can't talk to you guy in two days, he's obviously cheating.
4. If he doesn't check his email with you around, he's hiding something. It couldn't be all the porn sites he subscribes to that he doesn't want you to see. But you don't have to show him your email because you have secret frilly girlie things that no guy needs to see. If he can't show you his email he's obviously cheating.
5. If you have a "hunch" he's obviously cheating.

There ya have it folks, Cosmo knows everything.
I have a new favorite magazine.

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