Cosmopolitan Magazine is the best thing ever:
So I was shopping today, standing at the checkout... Reading all the magazine covers. Fun stuff, that was. (Rosie O'Donnel MARRIED! The losers from the Bachelor are SPLIT UP! Jennifer Maxwell needs A LIFE!)

Anyway, I see the new issue of Cosmo, and being the "Fun. Fearless. Female." that I am, I picked it up.

It had nothing to do with catchy cover stories like: "skank alert" or "very fun things to do after sex" I swear. Or the fact that I adored the shirt that Julia Stiles is wearing. I WANT ONE. NOW.

I get home and throw it on my bed.
Because that's where magazines with ads containing people standing in their underwear go.

About six hours later, when I'm sitting in my chair talking to people on MSN, I pick it up. We all know that reading a magazine while trying to keep up on a conversation is a very polite thing to do.
After 30 pages of ads, we get to the first page of actual writing. What a great magazine.

First article: "The male brain explained." What an informative article it was, too. I learned that guys have hearts, heads, and sex drive. Too bad the word brain wasn't in anything other than the title. Women learn something new everyday...

Then they try to teach us Fun. Fearless. Females. more new tricks,
Cosmo commandments for March:
10 bad ways to get over a guy:
1. {something only stupid chicks would do}
2. something about self-pity. What the fuck is that?
3. Purchase a devil. (cat)
4-10 omitted because I don't like to waste time typing out boring shit that I didn't write.
I'm sure without cosmo, sad girls would run around being stupid and buying cats. Thank you for making it clear to all of us what we should not be doing when a guy dumps us. (probably because we read some stupid magazine for relationship tips)

Wait! Do I see a redeeming and original article idea? / end sarcasm.
Ask cosmo anything:
"I have a serious problem! I can't seem to orgasm without thinking of a dirty old man touching me. I never date older guys, but I fantasize about them all the time, even when I'm with my young, very hot boyfriend. Please help me!"
some cosmo writer says: Blah blah blah. You're really cool and pretty and smart and a Fun. Fearless. Female. I can tell by your letter.
what I say: Go stand on a corner in your city, wait until some old bum asks you for spare change. Then tell him no, but you'll gladly give him a cum bath in your backseat. Have fun with your dirty old man, and give me your "young, hot boyfriend's" phone number.

Cosmopolitan also thinks that every girl in the world cares about celebrity clothing/makeup/boob jobs/collagen injections.
Some news from the Cosmo Informers:
1. The Olsen twins aren't identical twins, they're fraternal.
I'm sure that females really care. They're rich. They're pretty. They're almost old enough to pose for playboy. That's all that matters.

2. Cosmo thinks that Ryan Crapfest is the new Carson Daly.
WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY ON?

3. Brittany Spears needs more clothes, and less makeup.
Well put.

4. Pamela Anderson got lip collagen.
And listen to the great joke they came up with:
"How can her lips be fake when the rest of her is so real?"
HAH. Very. Funny.


Cosmo asks: Is he a player?
"Think your man is sneaking around? Look at this list because we know everything about guys."
1. If he does something nice like let his cell phone go to voice mail when you're alone at a restaurant and he's trying to pay attention to you, he's obviously hiding the fact that he has 900 other girlfriends. Guys that want to be polite are obviously cheating.
2. If he only wants to hump at your place, he's married, because we know that all guys keep their house in tip-top condition and there's no reason he couldn't take you back to his house for a scronkin'. We know that there's no stashes of porn laying on his bedroom floor that you could accidentally find when you're trying to get hot and heavy. Guys that don't like to take you to their super clean homes are obviously cheating.
3. If you don't talk to him for more than 48 hours, he's got other chicks rocking his socks right now. The only solution to this is to call 900 times a day, just because we all know that calling and talking to guys about nothing is not annoying at all. They love to hear from you every five minutes. If you can't talk to you guy in two days, he's obviously cheating.
4. If he doesn't check his email with you around, he's hiding something. It couldn't be all the porn sites he subscribes to that he doesn't want you to see. But you don't have to show him your email because you have secret frilly girlie things that no guy needs to see. If he can't show you his email he's obviously cheating.
5. If you have a "hunch" he's obviously cheating.

There ya have it folks, Cosmo knows everything.
I have a new favorite magazine.

(AutoTrader)

FUCK FUCK FUCK:
Okay maybe not... but you get the point right?

Today was... umm purrrrrfect. Yeah, that's it.
ofgm! Canada rocks my socks.
To the limit.

11. Reasons. Why. I. Like. Canada. More than {insert your country here}:

10. HAHA! See, the title was #11. This is another wasted number too!
WOW I'M COOL.

9. It's got hot guys. And pretty hot/nice chicks. But there's lots of hot guys.

8. Snow makes me wet. NO WAIT. Not like that... melted snow+jenn's pant cuffs=soggy mess. But it's cool to kick around in snow. And it's sparkly-purdy.

7. Better pizza. Mikie's has the bestest Greek pizza in the world. IN THE WORLD, MAN!
Like totally.

6. Mommy can give me more money this way.
Actually, I just plan on eating lots of Greek pizza, getting fat and faking a disability, and I'll sit and do nothing while the Canadian government sends me fat cheques in the mail.

5. Legal drinking age in Alberta= 18.
Nuff' said.

4. Hot guys.

3. Buttons.
For hot guys.

2. My mom. HI MOM!

1. Me. Because, face it people, I'm what makes Canada a great state.

Note to blog:

I know I have been neglecting you, dear blog. I am aware that there has been many a night where you sit cold and hungry while your owner bashes her head against the wall for lack of something good to say. I know that it really disappoints you when all of your blog friends come over to your house and all the new stuff you have to show them is content ripped off from some website, or an update consisting of an overused joke. It's like wearing old clothes, dear blog... and that, I swear your master will not tolerate anymore. I promise.

And no, I am not crossing my fingers this time.

Don't give me that look you shithead beautiful blog site. I know you understand that deep down I hate everything you stand for and what the internet whores have turned you into, that's why whenever possible, I try not to bore you by writing about my day all over you. That's why I spend so much time with you sister, the instant message, because really... She's the cooler one of the internet family.

Not that I don't love you or anything. You have become someone that always listens to the vamped randomness that is me, and shares it with 10 others so that they also can become my sheep. I love you for that, dear blog. But you know all about me, the fact that really... in between doing nothing, sleeping and playing with your sister... I just don't have time for you. But I make time, because sometimes you make me excited. No, not like that. You sicko blog.

Even though you are nothing on the vastness that is the internet, I still adore you for what you are...Which is nothing. You are a place that was made for me to be cool and act all tough and nice and fun and sweet, when really I am none of those things. I mean, come on... I know HTML. My friends make fun of me at parties. It's your fault, you're addicting. And secretly I kind of find it interesting. But anyway, I promise that from now on, we will continue with our regularly scheduled program.. The Jenn show. And I promise the same randomness I have become known for.

By that I mean, I promise to fill you with a whole lot of nothing again. More often than usual. Only when I'm not sleeping or eating or drinking or sleeping or playing with your sister.

See ya tomorrow,
Jenn

This amused me for 5 minutes:

Googlism Type in your name and it will tell you what google "thinks of you."

jennifer
jennifer is missing
jennifer is a missing solution
jennifer is a dork
jennifer is good
jennifer is dead
jennifer is currenty #1 most viewed profile
jennifer is
jennifer is beautiful
jennifer is getting
jennifer is a petite asian hottie
jennifer is getting bike riding lessons
jennifer is christened
jennifer is grateful to disraeli
jennifer is poting tol papr on the chey
jennifer is oregon's most famous
jennifer is beautiful but you might consider eating a steak
jennifer is a comic like
jennifer issue # 1 by ken knudtsen jennifer is an insane chimpanzee full of pent
jennifer is threatened by a hungry wild rooster
jennifer is currently nominated for her second grammy in february 2003
jennifer is a triple threat
AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE: jennifer is right
Google knows everything.

I <3 this joke:

The meaning of words used by women:

FINE - This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right, and you need to shut up. Never use 'fine' to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguents.

FIVE MINUTES - This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that you're football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so its an even trade.

NOTHING - This means 'something' and you should be on you're toes. 'Nothing' is usually used to describe the feeling woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. 'Nothing' usually signifies an argument that will last 'five minutes' and end with 'fine'.

GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows) - This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over 'nothing' and will end with the word 'fine'.

GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows) - This means 'I give up' or 'do what you want because I don't care'. You will get a 'raised eyebrow go ahead', followed by 'nothing' and 'fine' and she will talk to you in about 'five minutes' when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH - This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A 'loud sigh' means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over 'nothing'.

SOFT SIGH - Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. 'Soft sighs' mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OK - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to man. 'Thts ok' means she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. 'Thts ok' is often used with the word 'fine' and in conjunction with 'raised eyebrow'.

OH REALLY? - At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO - This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have to done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a 'that's ok'.

THANKS - A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT - This is much different from 'thanks'. A woman will say 'thanks a lot' when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the 'loud sigh'. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the 'loud sigh', as she will only tell you 'nothing'.

WTF WTF WTF! WHAT THE MOTHERFUCKING FUCK?

So so. Last night=don't go there gurlfriend! But I felt grrrreat this morning/when I woke up (3:30pm this afternoon.)

I got up, put pants on, signed into MSN, and checked muh' email. Good times. Good times.

Then I went and checked out all the sites that link me. Everything was fine until I got to Jbanks.
I was looking at his referrer list, because I'm cool, and I saw some Yahoo search results. Me, knowing that search results are sometimes good for a laugh, decided to look into it further. It appears that people actually search for "xxx-centric." You'd think I would be happy right?

Fuck you all.

Yahoo search.
MSN search.

Yahoo search has not 9 (like MSN) results for the words XXX-CENTRIC, but 922.

I'm not number one... Oh no... That's Mr. Jbanks.

I'm not on the first page even.
Or the second, third, fourth, tenth, twenty first.

I'm not listed AT ALL.
I would like to take the time to thank all search engines for sending hits to every site that linked me. It's nice to see someone benefit from the words XXX-CENTRIC. Even if it is in my fucking URL.

Damn you Yahoo, and all you like it. Please die.

In other news:
While looking at search results, I found out that two linkdumps have me listed for some reason that I do not know.
Bite My Blog
I don't get this one... it's kinda strange that I'm on here. But whoever keeps submitting this site for me, I guess you can keep doing it without my knowledge. I don't mind the two extra hits that this virtually unknown linkdump sends me a month.
Bravenet
This one sends me decent traffic. Even though I have no freakin idea where the hell they got my site from. I don't remember submitting it to ANY linkdump. But this one is kinda cool. I get stars. You can rate me. GO GIVE ME STARS. (even though I don't know what they do...)

Royal pain
ten things that piss me off.

10. Stoners that spend the whole time getting high when they're at a party.

9. Stepmoms that only want sex and money. So I guess females in general.

8. Sleeping all the freakin' time.

7. Cats. They make me sneeze. BAD BAD BAD

6. When I have nothing to post about. Pretty much all the time.

5. Myself.

4. Anything that is still mooing. It should shut the hell up and fucking get on my plate.

3. Humans.

2. Martians.

1. Tracy.

Tracy is a dumbass. Dumbass fucking slut. Dumbass fucking slut for brains. Dumbass fucking slut for brains whore crack bitch.
So is kyle. "she fuckin' hates me" YES. I hate you. Shoo fly don't bother me. oh no. oh no.
My socks are wet. Beacuse of Tracy. That idiot. That idiot skank. That idiot skank {something really mean. I can't think of anymore}. She should learn to keep the water in the bathtub when she's playing with her rubber ducky.

Today I had a chicken Caesar. O M F G was it good. I know. Monumental event in the life of Jennifer. Applaud me people.

TODAY'S FRIDAY AGAIN! Man it seems like just yesterday I was drinking in diapers.....

Wait. That was yesterday.


Everyone is going out tonight and you're going to come home and tell me all about it right here. I want to hear some drunken stories people! COMMENT! COMMENT!

OR DON'T BOTHER BECAUSE YOU SUCK!
'ya hurd?'

I swear I'm not posting again untill I get at least 10 stories.
No cheating. If you don't want me to ever update again, but have a really good story you still have to post it. It's the law. I'm watching you.

Ok. I'll tell you one of mine.
One time I ate pizza. It was great.

Ok. One of Tracy's.
OOO! This new year's Tracy puked on her boyfriend. On purpose.

TWICE.
Good times... good times...
OKAY! POST STORIES FOR ME! PUHWEESE?

Did you know

that eating toothpaste is not a good idea. Even when there's no jam to put on your toast. No matter how much money someone is willing to pay you.

being a whore will get you somewhere. You fuck 'n' chuck your way to the top. Face it ladies, it works. No matter how much you say you're against it, secretly you really want to do it. All females say the same thing, yet we all mean exactly the opposite. If every chick would just stop playing games and come out with the truth, the ones that already sleep with everything on two legs wouldn't look so bad.

dogs are good for a lot of things. Like crying on when you're sad. Beating up when you're mad, or taking them for a walk late at night and letting them shit on your ex's doorstep.

makeup is the only way a girl will leave the house 99% of the time. Males need to just accept the fact that chicks live in a huge cloud of face powder. Even the ones that don't need/say they don't want to wear makeup, DO. I know because I just fucking know. All girls wear makeup. If you can't tell they are, they usually are wearing a lot.

girls should stop buying hairspay. It's sticky, it smells funny, and it makes your hair look all messed up. There are exceptions to this rule though, like when you're putting your hair up in some fancy updo. Hairspray should only be used as a)self defense, or b) to make your hairstyle last three days.

any guy that wears adidas moves is so going to get laid all the time. Well at least from me anyway. Fuck axe or whatever that shit is. It's too strong. ADIDAS.

fresh ground pepper tastes way better than anything that comes pre-ground. I eat peppercorns by themselves! They're soopppppp good! I'm cool. Don't believe anything I just said.

One time at band camp actually is a pretty funny way to start any sentence.
examples: "One time at band camp Nancy died." "One time at band camp I have to go to the mall." "One time at band camp sorry I'm washing my hair tonight." "One time at band camp I found a box today."

"One time at band camp I couldn't think of an ending sentence so I just did this."

I'm a freakin goddess.

People love me. Most of the time.

So I was reading over the archives. Because I'm cool.
Good times. Good times.
I have concluded, with a lot of serious thought, that this little blogger site is the worst thing I have ever done. Ever. (well ok maybe not the worst thing ever) Actually, I have concluded that I am the coolest female alive. No contest. Hands down. I am the winner. Momma said I rule. She's always right.
HI MOM!

Anyways. I really did have a lot of pretty "kewl" stuff to say back in tha' day (almost two months ago). I talked about my hatred for of old people, how much I hate grocery shopping, how awesome I am, what I would do with lots of money, my perfect day, how stupid I am, AND the horrid life one must lead when they are deprived of a B,X,Z,or !.

I never drink water around my keyboard anymore.

Just beer.

To the people that have either a) read from day one or b) took the time to browse the archives. You need lives, but you're cool.
To the people that are seeing this for the first time right now, you're cool too.

So basically what I'm telling you is listen to everything I say.
I won't lead you astray.
I'll make you star in a play.
If I don't get my way.
Rhyming is fucking gay.
But I'm on a role, so hey.
I'll tell you what I did today.
Actually no because I'm boring and stupid {insert rhyming word here}.


Really folks, love me. One day I'm going to be famous.

Or I'll just learn witchcraft and turn you all into turtles.

Things NOT to do if you want to start dating a chick:

DON'T tell us we're beautiful every five seconds. Deep down, we know that we must be pretty... Or else you wouldn't be giving us the time of day. Now don't get me wrong, you still have to say it every once in awhile, just because it's the law. And it saves us money on blush. Whenever we're sick/putting on makeup/sleeping you have to say it. If these conditions last for more than one day then you just say it about two times a week. Less can be acceptable only if you follow the statement with a dazed look or one of those full "I'm checking you out" glances and then you fall against a wall or something.

DON'T tell our friends that you're always thinking about us. Really, we want you to be a normal guy and go out with the "boys" and do something manly. DON'T sit around pissing and moaning when we're not there to all of our friends about how much you miss us or need us to be happy.

DON'T buy us unexpected gifts all the time. Sometimes are perfect. Like once every six months... Hopefully following great sex or at least have some reason. We don't like excessive gifts because really, we have everything we need 99.84569% of the time. If we wanted anything for being so damn perfect, it would be hot sex. Honestly, for chicks and guys, sex > gifts. And it saves cash for beer.

DON'T send chicks flowers all the time. Whether you like it or not, this is NOT a good idea when you're trying to score a chick. It makes you look needy/super mushy-romantic. Guys are supposed to be all hot and rugged and GRRR. Not "roses are red, violets are blue, I *heart* you, so love me too." When chicks read this shit there's only one thing we wanna say. Actually it's not even a word, it's last night's supper because shit like that is so fucking gay that we wanna puke. And then beat you up for being so stupid and annoying.

DON'T come to our house every day just saying you were "walking by" and wanted to come see how we are/how beautiful we look. (beautiful alone earns you an earful of the sound of the door slamming) It's not good to show up at anyones' house unexpected. Let alone a GIRLS house. BAD BAD BAD. Girls go to their house to do all the cool mysterious girl stuff that we don't want guys to know about. This is double bad if the girl lives with more females. If this is the case the other chicks are allowed to tackle you and throw your ass out the freakin window. Believe me, that's not as hot as it sounds.

DON'T write poems/songs/love letters in the first few days. It's mushy, and if you don't get this yet: GUYS ARE NOT HOT WHEN THEY HAVE "GIRLY" FEELINGS.
**note: songs/poems/love letters are not a good idea ever, unless you can sing or have writing skills that are above average.

Basically, don't be a pussy and girls will love you. Being overly luvvy-dubby is freaky. Just picture a super sweet chick, that's exactly what an overly sweet guy is like. FUCKING ANNOYING. Just be yourself. Don't try to sell yourself to her. And if you really act like this you know you're only making any possible future relationship harder... The first time you don't live up to the way you acted when you started dating, it's over. No matter how many times you said "I love you" or "you're beautiful", even ten dozen roses wouldn't save your ass.

Today's Valentine's Day, isn't it?

Well, happy V-day everyone. I guess. Actually, no. I hate you all. Please die.

Well today had been supercoolmundo to the max. Yeah yeah yeah... I'm really blogging today I know. But today I'm more interesting than usual. I got home early this morning from a mega gay party at 4am, and I swear I was going to update... But I was too fucking drunk. I would be like a four year old trying to draw the Mona Lisa or something. Messy messy messy.
And guess what I'm doing tonight? That's correct. I'm gonna go get fuckered. (remember kids, beer is bad. drink slow. Fucking chug that shit before it goes flat.)

Today is Meranda's B-day bash, so I gotta go keg'er for an hour or so... Then I have to stumble over to Phil's party to see some freaks... Then I plan on going over to Jessie's and hopefully puking on their floor, and then passing out on the couch. If I last through the keg party.

I think this is national "Jenn party hardcore" week. I mean, I've went out 4 days this week to get loaded. I think it's because all the people want to kiss my ass because I'm moving and I will diss them on my mega successfulblog. Or it's because I rule. But hey, that's 4 more days then I usually go out drinking each week. I'm making up for lost time. That's my excuse and I'm sticking with it.

Today was good. I woke up early. Mommy sent me pink heart-shaped cookies that say "love me harder" (actually they don't. But it would be cool if they made cookies that did. I mean, tonight that's the only thing on every girls mind anyway.)

UPS men are NOT hot. I hate life. I Never catch a break. Even pizza guys aren't HOT anymore.
They should screen employees for hotness before they hire them to go talk to people.

Maybe I'll walk in at 5am tomorrow and throw together a "drunken thoughts" post or something.
I hope for your sake, I don't.

Now what are you doing here? Go get laid. Or drunk. Or just go to bed because you smell bad.

Wish me luck. My goal is to come home with my liver intact. Gracefulness and poise gotta go though...

15 Fun Things To Do During a Big, Important Test

1. When you get your copy of the test, run out screaming, "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!"

2. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, de- bate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking!" Then start talking about what a jerk the teacher is.

3. Bring your own private cheer- leaders (in uniform). Have them cheer loudly each time you answer a question.

4. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

5. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. When the instructor asks why, tell him in a very derogatory tone, "The light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a Clapper. DUH!"

6. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling, "I'm here, the Phantom of the Opera!" until they drag you away.

7. From the moment the test begins, hum the theme to "Jeopardy."

8. Come in wearing a full suit of armor.

9. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed because you have bad circulation.

10. Bring a large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often.

11. Come in wearing only your underwear. Halfway through the test, jump up and scream, "You mean this ISN'T a dream?" and run out of the room.

12. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer.

13. Set up a concession stand and sell lemonade, snacks, etc. Every now and then, walk around the room yelling, "Peanuts! Get your peanuts here!"

14. Halfway through the exam, turn it in. As you walk out, comment loudly on how easy it was.

15. Before the test starts, walk around your desk and mark your territory.
Gotta love the emails I get.... even if they are some stupid spam that circulates like diseases. If you've seen this, kiss my ass, scroll up and read it again. Twice.

Happy Friday the 13th everyone!
If you're superstitious then today is not a good day for you. Crawl in a hole and die.
If you're not go party because it's FRIDAY!
If you're Jennifer, post something at 11:59pm on the 12th, and somehow delete 99% of your template. Then stay up all night rewriting it.

Goodfucking Morning. This is the earliest/lastest I've been up in about three months. Go to hell.
Did I mention I'm a morning person?

Post Action!... I swear:

Yadda yadda yadda, I haven't posted in forever. Like anyone cares. So... sorry everyone.
NOT. Seriously, I can't make you fufilled every damn day, it's just too much work.

I've been thinking a lot about the current government and all the things I would change if I was elected President.
Things I would do from the oval office in the White House:

Make pizza free to all those that know the secret word. (jkhdloies) Say it right or no pizza.

Change the normal conception of time in America so it would be something like if you say it's 5 pm, then it is 5 pm. No matter what time your mom/boss/dog/alarm clock says it is. Like if you have to work at 5pm, you can go in whenever you think its five PM.....
or just not go in at all because 5 pm is gay and you wrote it of your day so it doesn't exist.

Make comedians update all blog sites that are not naturally funny,

Change the way the country is divided up so we just have one big state called "we'restupid" or something, that way we could just make one set of laws and all that bullshit apply to the whole damn country.

Make a new flag that somewhere says "loocsinnej." Don't get it?
You're dumb.

Print out enough money to make every single person in America rich. Well ok. Take all the money ever earned back, split it up equally among the people that live here and then stop making money. The government would be able to print as much currency as needed to keep the country afloat without making citizens pay taxes. Therefore, the money that the people have can be spent on whatever they want, and they can earn it back however they want. If you have something that people want to buy with their money;) then you'll be rich.

No killing other people. Well you can still do it, but the family is allowed to go vigilante and hunt and kill the perpetrator.
Or they can choose to keep you for a housewife or something.

Hairspray is outlawed. Anyone caught using it will be shot.... In the eye with the remaining contents of the product. Hairspray sucks. It's sticky, it smells like DEET, and it doesn't taste good.
If your hair was meant to stick out 10 inches from your head, or not move at all, it would do it by itself.
I'm sure there's others... but ya know, first things first. I think these are defiantly the most important.

loocsinnej.

Kiss me I'm stupid! My god! My shirts are so going to say that. DUDE. COPYRIGHTED.

lata foo's... I'm so god damn ghetto.

This made me laugh:

What Is Your Battle Cry?

Yea, verily: Who is that, running through the cliffs! It is Xxxcentric, hands clutching a vorpal blade! And with a vengeful bellow, her voice cometh: "I'm going to fuck you to the moon and back!"

Find out! Enter username: Are you a girl, or a guy ?

created by beatings : powered by monkeys

13 reasons why I should be voted the most coolest bestest person that ever lived:

13. not c, b, or a, or f, or g... D ya'll.

12. I say things like: whoa, I'm like on supercoolness overdrive to the max, or BACHSQAH. These are only said by really cool people.

11. I think.

10. One time I ate chicken.

09. Ooo! Getting close to 07.

08. I once wore a pink shirt. That makes me cool.

07. lucky 7, 007, Jenn... 'nuff said.

06. I won medals for playing the super hard sport of badmington in high school. God damn, I was such a jockface... I played hard and awesome. Badmington rules! /end sarcasm dipshits.

05. I know HTML. That makes me a super cool chicka. HTML, after all, is really hard to learn.

04. {insert something cool}

03. I listen to Enya. NOT. I mean, if I did, that would NOT be cool. I rock so much, therefore ENYA=BADYA

02. Conditioner is better!

01. asdfjkl;. I know my HOMEROW!!!!
Be proud, be proud.

ARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Fucking motherfucking kids these days. I'm mega pissed to the max. Some idiot keeps sharing my email address with all his little gay friends. As a result, I now have like 20 people a damn day contacting me on MSN saying "sup" over and over and fucking over again. When I ask where they got my address from they fucktards are like "oh, my buddy just copied his list for me. so sup?"
My fucking foot up your ass, that's what's up.

Sharing contacts is not a good idea. EVER. Unless you know that the person wants to talk to your gay internet friends, which is never, so don't fucking do it.

Don't talk to any of the following people. They're not cool. And if you're one of 'em, fucking whine and complain all you want. I don't care. I hope you get spammed all to hell for being so fucking annoying. Just die.
cedric_bixler_zavala@hotmail.com, armarpatel282@hotmail.com, ashar_ibrahim@hotmail.com, brendon_p23@hotmail.com, chino_cheng@hotmail.com, eduardo_machado_84@hotmail.com, hardboy_89969@hotmail.com, indigi_man@hotmail.com, lets_start_a_war_a_nuclear_war@hotmail.com, lifereloaded@hotmail.com, mbolam10@hotmail.com, omar_rodriguezlopes@hotmail.com, pedero_sabatini@hotmail.com,

DON'T EVER TALK TO THIS ONE: EVER
imbetterthanyouare787@hotmail.com

Well damn:

I suck. I swear to god I was going to write something deep and meaningful and good and long tonight. I even had a subject. I SWEAR. But I got talking to people, and I forgot.:(
Woe is me... and you

Anyone have any really cool ideas for a post? If I use your idea, I'll email you something really cool or something.

Rules:
1. It can't be something I've already done
2. It has to be funny to me (easy)
3. It must be something I can write more than 3 lines about
4. It has to be cool
5. It must show that I am awesome in some way (well ok, you don't really need this)

And LOLOMGWTF!?? You guys really need to start sending me love letters again...
RIGHT NOW
kthxbye

Ok. Everyone knows that the most annoying question in the world is "whut kinda musik do u listen 2?" Well I'm going to tell you all right now. Once and only once. Get it? Got it? Good.
Actually. I'm just going to tell you the 20 best CD's I own/paid for as of right now.

20. Fieldy's Dreams- Rock n roll gangsta
Yes, I am aware that this sounds like a cheesy CD. Really, it's in disguise so that only special people can buy it.
Favorite tracks: (4)are you talkin to me, and (13)one love.

19. Yeah Yeah Yeah's: Fever to tell
Favorite tracks: (5)Black tongue, and (6)Pin

18. Three Days Grace: Self-titled
Favorite tracks:(2)Just like you, (11)Take me under, and (12)Overrated*
*ignore the obvious one-liner that should go here. Push it out of your head right now!

17. Serial Joe: Face Down
God damn. These were (hot) great rockin' guys from Canada back in 99 when they put this CD out. Anyone buy the new Serial Joe CD (last chance for romance or something gay at some fucking dance) ? What the hell happened to them? They pussified. This is a great CD though. Buy it now. GO!
Favorite tracks: (2)Deep, (3)Mistake, (7)Push, and (11)Outrage

16. New Found Glory: Self-titled and Sticks and Stones
Yes. I get to cheat and name two at once.
Favorite tracks:Self-titled- (2)Dressed to kill, (8)Sucker, and (11)all about her
Sticks and Stones- (1)understatement, (2)My friends over you, (5)Head on collision, (7)forget my name, and (10)Singled out

15. Alien Ant Farm: Truant
I know. I know, don't tell me. Dare I say, I liked this CD better than Anthology.
Favorite tracks:(4)Glow, (5)These Days, (8)Goodbye, and (12)Hope

14. Jimmy Eat World: Bleed American
Favorite tracks: (3)The middle, (5)Sweetness, and (10)Authority song

13. Queens of the Stone Age: Songs for the Deaf
Favorite tracks: (1)No one knows, (2)First it giveth, (6)Six shooter

12. Matthew Good- Avalanche
Shut the fuck up.
Favorite tracks: (1)Pledge of Allegiance, (3)Weapon, and (4)In a world called catastrophe

11. The Distillers: sing sing death house
Favorite Tracks:(4)The young crazed peeling (7)City of Angels, and (8)Young Girl

10. Theory of a Deadman: Self-titled
Favorite tracks: (2)Nothing could come between us, (3)Make up your mind, (4)Point to prove, and (6)What you deserve

9. No Doubt: Tragic Kingdom
Self-explanatory

8. Billy Talent: Self-titled
Favorite tracks: (2)Living in the shadows, (3)Try honesty, (4)Line & Sinker, (6)The ex, (7)River below, and (9)Cut the curtains

7. Blink-182: Self-titled
Ever since I got this CD, I've played at least one song every day. It earns it's place here, probably because I have other Blink CD's and I'm not too impressed. This one stands out though. It's special.
Favorite tracks: (1)Feeling this, (6)Down, (8)Go, (11)Easy Target, and (12)All of this

6. Everclear: Slow motion Daydream
Favorite tracks: (2)Blackjack, (3)I want to die a beautiful death, (4)Volvo driving soccer mom, and (6) New blue champion

5. System of a Down: Steal this Album
Favorite tracks: (2)Innervision, (3)Bubbles, (6) A.D.D, (13)Ego Brain, and (14)Thetawaves

4. Linkin Park: Meteora
Favorite tracks: (2)Don't stay, (5)Hit the floor, and (7)Faint

3. Trapt: Self-titled
My god is Chris Brown ever hot.
Favorite tracks: The whole damn CD. Go buy it now!

2. Green Day: Dookie
CD of my generation. Or maybe just my life. Gotta love songs dedicated to masturbation. I wish I got to marry Bille.
Favorite tracks:(4)Longview, (7)Basket case, (10)When I come around, and (14)F.O.D

1. Green Day: Nimrod
I know a lot of you idiots are saying "But Jenn! Dookie was way better!"
NONONO! Dookie was only .<---this much worse. Nimrod takes the cake. Better hooks, catchier lyrics, and it contains my favorite song of all time. Ever. Nothing was ever written that was better. -(hitchin' a ride)
Favorite tracks:(1)Nice guys finish last, (2)Hitchin' a ride, (4)Redundant, (6)All the time, (7)Worry rock, (13)Walking alone, (15)Take back, (16)King for a day, (17)Good Riddance

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.

I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I've learned that it is not what you wear, it is how you take it off.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

I've learned to not sweat the petty things and not pet the sweaty things.

I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.

I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the ass are permanent.

**someone sent this to me today. I have no idea who wrote it. I just know that I whole-heartedly concure. If this is yours, let me know.
---------------------
Shoutout:
Circle of addiction Go there right friggin' now!
---------------------
Something cool to read:
The internet is shit

I have serious mental problems:

Sometimes I think I'm a turkey. It's great. Just today I was out for coffee and making turkey nosies. I'm cool

I eat tofu.

I was going to let Tracy update for me. That's just sad. What the hell was I thinking?

My middle name is Amber. As in red. As in fucking gay. As in I'm a turkey. BACHSQUAH!

I'm going to link some more people. Because they emailed me. Yes, stupid little me for a link. I'm not cool. Why do they want their site to bear the link to XXX-CENTRIC?
(really means XXX-RETARDED-ramblings of a turkey)

I have a nose. What the hell is up with that? I mean, right now it's good for nothing. I can't smell. And I'm a fucking retarded turkey.

My name is Jennifer. Yes, I'm that Jennifer. The one that was mean to you in high school. The one that wore stupid skirts to be "pretty." The fucking little bitch that went to all the dances and just sat there because it was fun to piss the guys off when they wanted to dance with me. Dancing is for fucking pansies.

I just said pansies. I'm an idiot.

I have a white tee shirt! Isn't that stupid?? I mean, come on! WHITE!!? What the fuck was going through my head when I bought it?

Chicklets are great.

I wrote a fucking paper for Tracy. What the fuck? I even went through the trouble of typing it in "stupid" so it would be inconspicuoslkjdfniliwesjd;lf. (I can't spell and spell check makes me less confidant.)

Cigarettes are a great de-stresser.

It is really uncomfortable to talk about your friends sex life when you don't screw every guy that you see. Hi Tracy! So where are you right now? OOO! I know! In a truck probably parked in the bush getting your "whore on."

Wait. That would mean it would have to turn off from time to time. MY BAD.

I'm moving soon so fuck you all. Kiss my shiny plastic butt! (movie lines....watching the Bride of Chucky. No idea why. Boredom maybe?)

Green Day rocks my socks.

Sweet dreams asshole. (more movie lines. I could go on all night)

This site...pornolized.

I've become aware that this changes every time it is loaded, so here are some funny things I saw when I read it:
Pay close attention to the links... they turn out the best.

"8:20 left in the 4th, right now the aardvarking score is 21-16 for the fucking Patriots. YAAAAY! I'm the queen of touchdown dances. What do you barfs think? MVP- Tom "Up the Arse" Brady?"

"ifer- Basically, ifer dripps "if her." How sexist. What a deep throating crock of shit."

"Jennifer's are overpopulating fingerfucks and seriously barfing the availability of all the thrusting Assfucks, Jakes, or Ryans."

"I'm not saying all Shafts are stupid. Actually, yes. Yes I am. "

"I feel the squirting need to deliver assfucking to you."

"Is it bad that my licks have now chosen me to turn to when they need a deep throating fix?"

"Three muff sniffs I screwed today:
1. I barfed jerks. Woo hoo for me. No longer a stick. I rule so much.

2. My nose is funny looking.

3. New bodywash can make a screwing girl super happy. Especially if it squirts like cocksucks."

"Three things that are going to happen tomorrow:
1. Nothing.

2. Wanking.

3. Nothing."

"So, if there are any motherfucking cuntlapps on my part, you need a life. Stop asslicking my felchs."

Links:
Gorilla "Mistress anal" Mask
Ninja "Afterburner" Pirate
Chokey "Fat Ass" Chicken
Smit "Suck my tits dry" Happens
Spit "Jerkoff" Circle

My review of the Superbowl Half-time show:

WOW. What a great way to blow some air time. Janet Jackson, P. Diddy, Nelly, Kid Rock, and Justin Timberlake all in half an hour. They couldn't have thrown more random celebrities in there if they tried. /end sarcasm

OK. WTF? LOL. OMFG.
Rappers: P.Diddy, Nelly- worthless.
OOOO! Nelly can drive, and hire chicks to perform in cheerleading outfits while ripping a classic song off. Too bad "ohh Nelly, is not fine... His stupidity blows my mind"
P. Diddy, 'Nuff said.

Pop star old lady: Janet Jackson.
Jesus christ. I'm surprised she didn't trip over that damn cape that she decided to wrap around her waist. And she's a great lip-syncer. Nice leather outfit too. It held her together very well.

General Loser: Kid rock.
He performed an old song, wore some shitty coat over the flag he massacred to cover his standard white "muscle shirt."
And, what the hell was he doing there? Actually what the hell were any of them doing there? Other than Justin, no one had an even close to successful year. What happened to the days when we had good ol' Brittany and NSYNC doing their mega popular gay dances and entertaining the 13 year olds/horny men (or gay men) that watch the superbowl? I miss that.

Justin Timberlake: You know that the entertainment at an event is going downhill fast when the only person that I think most people will be raving about is Mr. Timmy. His almost 10 second stage appearance just about made up for the rest of the crap that went on. Hell, if it can make me forget about Kid Rock's nappy hair, it's incredible in my book.


Man there was alot of ass grabbin' in this game. I should play more football...
8:20 left in the 4th, right now the score is 21-16 for the Patriots. YAAAAY! I'm the queen of touchdown dances. What do you guys think? MVP- Tom Brady? I bet you five bucks I'm right or wrong.

Who the hell names their kid Jennifer?

Seriously you guys, why the fuck would you name a kid something so stupid? Jennifer is such a shitty name. It's boring. It's overused. It sounds funny. It makes me think about gross stuff like flowers and sunshine.

Lemme break it down for all you dipshits:
J- is a funny looking letter, it starts words like jizz, junk, and that horrible word jump.

enn- is really a stupid way of saying the letter "n." It reminds me of those stupid AOL'ers that use shitty slang like "u" or "r" or "buttfuck."

ifer- Basically, ifer means "if her." How sexist. What a crock of shit.

I pity all of the kids named Jennifer. It's terrible that there are so many too.

Some facts about Jennifers:
-65% of all Jennifers are really male.
-most members of the Jennifer population are useless
-Jennifer's are overpopulating areas and seriously depleting the availability of all the Matts, Jakes, or Ryans.

Really, all you teen moms that are reading my shitty site right now, I'm begging you, don't name your son or daughter Jennifer. It leads to problems like the classic but horrible "hun, how's my hair?" or "tweeter, do I have too much makeup on?" or even worse, "psst, what's 2+6?."

I'm not saying all Jennifers are stupid. Actually, yes. Yes I am. And it has everything to do with the name.
As always:
It's the parents' fault. Do the right thing bitches.