In headlines today:

Ford Motor Company finally relented and told the world the true meaning of FORD.
"Fucking Old Rusted Driveshaft " - This was explained (by a company executive) to mean: "we used old parts to umm make them move and stuff! It like worked for a tiny bit, then you would have to like get that thingy in car fixeded."
This has lead many to the correct conclusion that Ford sucks ass. The company has now developed a new slogan "Fuck Ford, buy a Dodge." If you drive a Ford, the company suggests you take it to a hick town and sell it to the first yokel you see for 25 dollars. Don't bother taking it to a used car dealership, the money you'd get for it wouldn't make up for the gas.

Brittany Spears, (you may remember her from the film "Crossroads") is now in hospital. She was brought in late last night, apparently suffering from massive anal tearing. She was practicing her new upcoming role in the Playboy Channel feature: "I'm a pop star, love me harder!" ER reports stated that she was in bed with Mr. Hefner at around 10:30pm last night, bent over taking it doggy when Hefner passed out. (from an apparent overdose on Viagra) She then fainted because she thought she killed the man, fell out of bed and landed on a rather large bottle of white wine. Hopefully Pilates can whip that ass back into shape in time for her next video.

Michael Jackson, is now facing new charges on counts of robbery. It seems that before all of the child molestation charges surfaced, he was almost broke. When he was officially charged, the cost of the lawyers were great, he was forced to go into a grocery store and steal basic necessities.
When he was walking out with his econo-pack of asswipe, a security guard stopped him to see a sales slip. Of course he did not have one. When he was brought into the station early this afternoon, he said the following: "Look at me! I thought no one would give me trouble. I'm white! I had a back up plan too, if anyone said anything I was just going to take off my nose and throw it at them, then run. But when I saw that sexy young male guard I got lost in his eyes..."